Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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