I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
