So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I actually kinda like her but everyone else hates her, so consider it a third party grudgefuck.
She passed out on the kitchen table with two mickeys forties duct taped to her hands. Clearly she is going to fit perfectly in your house this semester
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Randomize
