There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
All the doctor said was why
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
