I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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