Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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