OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
he told me he didn't like my name so he was going to call me Casey instead
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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