So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
