No I am not eating basil off your cock
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
