i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
