literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
Randomize
