im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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