I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
Randomize
