Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
