Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
I really don't want to move...I'm having a motivation problem.
kev is about to show us pictures of the tranny he accidentally fucked last night.
I'll be there in 10
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.
Sorry- wrong number! :)
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
hey boys, thanks for all the pictures of your dick you took with my camera last night...they were really nice to stumble upon while reliving my night in the breakroom today at work
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize