I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
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