Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
do herpes really smell.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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