I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
