I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
Bianca brought a stripper home he's making me breakfast
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
Randomize
