I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
