maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
