I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize