did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
I ate 2 pot cookies before we left the house. Fuck Pokemon. I'm playing my own game.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize