i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
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