apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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