Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize