Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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