We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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