i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
