totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?
Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.
.......
I'm just looking out for you.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Randomize
