Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
