he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
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