TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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