I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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