please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
