Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
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