Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
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