why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
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