I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize