i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
