I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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