I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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