Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
you smell like vanilla and daddy issues
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Randomize
