the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
send nudes
from the living room?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
