I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
