Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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