If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
Don't make out with my wife yet
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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