He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
