Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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