he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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