I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Just purchased ketchup, body wash, and lube. Hope you're ready for the post-memorial-day-cookout-shower-anal.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
