My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
