After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
