And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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