I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
How can i make it up 2 u?
DREW I AM SMOKING POT AND FUCKING. WE CANNOT DISCUSS THIS AT THIS PARTICULAR JUNCTURE.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize