I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
