Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
