Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize