I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
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