dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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