She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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