i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
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