He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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