Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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