Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
