At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
