you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
