cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Omg I joined a choir last night...
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
