am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
My penis is the apex of life and all other references. Lookin for a cheap vagina at this point. And cheap Korean BBQ
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
where are my pants?
in the oven.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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